How do you get people to change?

How do you get people to change? 

We have all asked that question and often the answer begins by changing the focus and saying, “what do I need to do to be the change?” and other clichés like that. However, that all changed for me today as I was reading, “Free Yourself To Be Yourself” by Alan D. Wright.  I think we have all resisted the kind of change that feels like you are being manipulated, coerced, ‘guilted’, ‘voluntold’…you name it!  

The fact of the matter is that we are all in the people-change business whether you are a parent, a salesperson, a pastor.  Let’s be honest!  Of course we want people to change, but what do we hear so often from the voice inside our head to the word on the street, “It’s not my job!”  I think we want everybody around us to change whether that is our daughter to worry less about whether she is amazing and beautiful…’without make-up’ to seeing our friends come to know Jesus!  

Moses wanted the children of Israel to change.  He wanted them to stop worshipping the golden calf and be more patient in waiting for God to show up.  He wanted them to stop complaining sooo much and realize just how amazingly blessed they were.  The prophets wanted people to change from worshipping foreign gods and Paul, the apostle wanted the church in Rome to be transformed by the renewing of their mind!  Jesus wanted people to change and that is why He touched lepers, lifted up prostitutes and poured so much time into the disciples.  Of course we want people to change.  That is why teachers teach, parents parent and salesmen sell. There is no sin in wanting people to change; however it is a sin if our approach to change uses the tactics of the enemy and the world such as guilt, shame, condemnation etc… We have to motivate the right way!

The most important thing we can do is pray and intercede for the people that we definitely want to see discover real change.  We should stand in the gap, envision God’s best for them, declare the promises of God over them ask God to put godly influences in their lives!

In addition to this, here are three great biblical strategies that Alan D. Wright shares in his book.

1    1.   We change a negative spirit by sowing the opposite spirit.

There is always a law at work called sowing and reaping and it’s undeniable.  If we sow jalapeno peppers they will not turn into green peppers!  The same is true with weeds.  We will never get green grass by sowing more weeds or letting weeds like dandelions continue to pollinate the yard.  The principle here is found in Romans 12:21, ‘do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good’.  In order for Jesus to make people more forgiving, He forgave them.  We can’t heal by shaming someone.  Perfect love casts out fear. 

The orphan spirit cannot be yanked out of a person, it must be displaced in a person.  If a person is going to quit acting so insecurely, their insecurity must be displaced by continued acceptance.

Alan D Wright

A simple example, a husband will not stop overworking if a wife keeps telling him how disgusted and disappointed she is with him.  It needs to come from a spirit of grace by conveying how much she does love being with him and how much the children enjoy time with him.

2            2. We enable positive change through the power of blessing.

Other than the Spirit of God, the most powerful force for change is recognizing how important a blessing is.  It is more important than positive reinforcement or even affirmation.  It has the prophetic power to bring incredible change in a person.  We only have to look at Issac’s blessing of Jacob to know how significant blessing is.  One of the things that I am so diligent about is praying over my children before they ‘hit the hay’!  Now, Jordan and I will have more conversations, but the other day he was driving to Pickering and I took the opportunity to pray a prayer of blessing over him and pray for 4 angels posted on every corner of that Neon!  I will pray into my children’s destiny, purpose  and God given gifts to enable them to be bright and shining lights for Him!  I have discovered that our blessing especially as father’s can be so empowering.  We are often a ‘man of few words’ so when we speak blessing, our wife and kids will be listening.  It will also directly empower them to love each other more as well.  It is contagious.  Discipline can also come in the form of a blessing if we look for the right opportunity.  Remember that it takes seeds to grow, so be patient and don’t look for immediate results although that can certainly happen.

3      3. Learn to help people embrace responsibility by treating them as if they’re owners, not slaves.

Alan writes, “slaves are valued for their productivity, whereas sons are valued for their position.”  Though I may ask my son to do some simple chores, the fact is that I give him more than he could ever give me.  Slaves also primarily motivated by rules and not by a relationship.  Sometimes a child is more motivated by consequences of the lack of obedience, but they are more motivated by reminding me of the promises I’ve made to them like, “ We will go for a timmies run when you are done…” However, what motivates us to work hard in life?  How can we encourage others without shaming them?  So, often even preaching becomes in essence, “try harder, do more, keep working at it”.  Something is missing though and Alan speaks of it as a revelation that he received.  He shares the story about a time he found one of the elders at his church working on a Saturday afternoon.  Alan shared with him, “you know that isn’t your job” to which he responded, “well, it needs to be done”.  He went on to say, “I guess it is just a matter of ownership.” 

Sharon is co-owner of Ninabrook and she works hard at her job.  She doesn’t watch the clock or even track her hours.  When you are a slave to your job it is all about putting in hours and usually doing the bare minimum.  However, when you are an owner, you deeply care about what you are doing.  It has your name attached to it and you are invested in it.  So, when Sharon has to pull a number of late night to switch over 400 items to their new website, she could begrudge it or know that it will take her business to the next level.

“And that is the moment the veil lifted.  Only free people own things.“ That is the difference between slaves and heirs.  If we look at what we are doing from the perspective of an owner, everything changes.  The key to inner motivation for others and ourselves is to be liberated.  When we look at the perspective of an owner, everything becomes an investment.  If we choose to go the other route and shame people, we will just produce slaves who watch the clock and do just what they are asked. If we threaten with our love and acceptance, we will never set them free.

The children of Israel’s focus to possess the Promised Land was the fuel for them to move forward and make it worth the fight.  We will fight for what we believe in and we need to fight right thought patterns and belief systems that God has given us.  

Romans 8:14-17 

14For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. 15The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” 16The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. 17Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

So if as a husband, I am frustrated with the sex life with my wife, I can choose to act in two ways.  I can either choose to get upset with her and tell her she is not a good wife or I can choose vulnerability, connect on a deeper level with her, choose to affirm her beauty and focus on genuine attraction.

Here is another example from being a father.  My children are my heirs, but until they take ownership of their lives, it is really no different than a master /slave relationship.  When I tell my kids to eat their ‘greens’ and they ask how many, it is still a slave/master situation.  When I tell my kids to clean up their room and they come back every few minutes and say, ‘Is thisgood enough?’ I know we are still stuck.  However, one day, I trust my kids will choose to eat fruits and vegetables as a result of their own desire to stay healthy and take charge of their own body.  I hope one day my kids will clean their room not because they have to but because they see how amazing it is when they can actually find everything they are looking for!  We are getting there, well, most of the time.

“As a parent, I have the responsibility to tell my kids what they must do. But I have a bigger goal in mind- helping them to grow up into an inheritance.  My short –term need is to give them rules, but my long-term goal is for them to live, not under the fear of the law, but under the joy of ownership”

Alan D Wright

I want to lead my children from a place of self-control through establishing principles to the place of Spirit-control where they act based on the prompting of the Holy Spirit in love.

I am a freedom fighter.  Therefore I want to treat people in a liberating way.  I want to escort them into freedom.  I want to treat others like owners.  We are co-heirs with Christ in the new kingdom. 

Some great final thoughts from Alan D Wright:

Who have I been trying to change?  Am I doing it God’s way or the enemy’s way?

We need to quit trying to convince ourselves that it’s wrong to want other people to change and start focusing on how we can help others change in a biblical way.  We need to start asking: What is the right way to motivate, empower, and spur people toward the changes that we know would be good for them and those that they touch.

Choose today to abandon the unhealthy ways that you try to change others with shaming tactics.  After  an honest evaluation of how I want people I love to change, I will apply biblical strategies and patiently await God’s work in them.