How do you get people to change?
We have all asked that question and often the
answer begins by changing the focus and saying, “what do I need to do to be the
change?” and other clichés like that. However, that all changed for me today as
I was reading, “Free Yourself To Be Yourself” by Alan D. Wright. I think we have all resisted the kind of
change that feels like you are being manipulated, coerced, ‘guilted’,
‘voluntold’…you name it!
The fact of the
matter is that we are all in the people-change business whether you are a
parent, a salesperson, a pastor. Let’s
be honest! Of course we want people to
change, but what do we hear so often from the voice inside our head to the word
on the street, “It’s not my job!” I
think we want everybody around us to change whether that is our daughter to
worry less about whether she is amazing and beautiful…’without make-up’ to
seeing our friends come to know Jesus!
Moses wanted the children of Israel to change. He wanted them to stop worshipping the golden
calf and be more patient in waiting for God to show up. He wanted them to stop complaining sooo much
and realize just how amazingly blessed they were. The prophets wanted people to change from
worshipping foreign gods and Paul, the apostle wanted the church in Rome to be
transformed by the renewing of their mind!
Jesus wanted people to change and that is why He touched lepers, lifted
up prostitutes and poured so much time into the disciples. Of course we want people to change. That is why teachers teach, parents parent
and salesmen sell. There is no sin in wanting people to change; however it is a
sin if our approach to change uses the tactics of the enemy and the world such
as guilt, shame, condemnation etc… We have to motivate the right way!
The most important thing we can do is pray and intercede for
the people that we definitely want to see discover real change. We should stand in the gap, envision God’s
best for them, declare the promises of God over them ask God to put godly
influences in their lives!
In addition to this, here are three great biblical
strategies that Alan D. Wright shares in his book.
1 1. We change
a negative spirit by sowing the opposite spirit.
There is always a law at work called sowing and reaping and
it’s undeniable. If we sow jalapeno
peppers they will not turn into green peppers!
The same is true with weeds. We
will never get green grass by sowing more weeds or letting weeds like
dandelions continue to pollinate the yard.
The principle here is found in Romans 12:21, ‘do not be overcome by
evil, but overcome evil with good’. In
order for Jesus to make people more forgiving, He forgave them. We can’t heal by shaming someone. Perfect love casts out fear.
The orphan spirit
cannot be yanked out of a person, it must be displaced in a person. If a person is going to quit acting so
insecurely, their insecurity must be displaced by continued acceptance.
Alan D Wright
A simple example, a husband will not stop overworking if a
wife keeps telling him how disgusted and disappointed she is with him. It needs to come from a spirit of grace by
conveying how much she does love being with him and how much the children enjoy
time with him.
2 2. We enable positive change through the power of
blessing.
Other than the Spirit of God, the most powerful force for
change is recognizing how important a blessing is. It is more important than positive
reinforcement or even affirmation. It
has the prophetic power to bring incredible change in a person. We only have to look at Issac’s blessing of
Jacob to know how significant blessing is.
One of the things that I am so diligent about is praying over my
children before they ‘hit the hay’! Now,
Jordan and I will have more conversations, but the other day he was driving to
Pickering and I took the opportunity to pray a prayer of blessing over him and
pray for 4 angels posted on every corner of that Neon! I will pray into my children’s destiny,
purpose and God given gifts to enable
them to be bright and shining lights for Him!
I have discovered that our blessing especially as father’s can be so
empowering. We are often a ‘man of few words’
so when we speak blessing, our wife and kids will be listening. It will also directly empower them to love
each other more as well. It is
contagious. Discipline can also come in
the form of a blessing if we look for the right opportunity. Remember that it takes seeds to grow, so be
patient and don’t look for immediate results although that can certainly
happen.
3 3. Learn to help
people embrace responsibility by treating them as if they’re owners, not
slaves.
Alan writes, “slaves are valued for their productivity,
whereas sons are valued for their position.”
Though I may ask my son to do some simple chores, the fact is that I
give him more than he could ever give me.
Slaves also primarily motivated by rules and not by a relationship. Sometimes a child is more motivated by
consequences of the lack of obedience, but they are more motivated by reminding
me of the promises I’ve made to them like, “ We will go for a timmies run when
you are done…” However, what motivates us to work hard in life? How can we encourage others without shaming
them? So, often even preaching becomes
in essence, “try harder, do more, keep working at it”. Something is missing though and Alan speaks
of it as a revelation that he received.
He shares the story about a time he found one of the elders at his
church working on a Saturday afternoon.
Alan shared with him, “you know that isn’t your job” to which he
responded, “well, it needs to be done”.
He went on to say, “I guess it is just a matter of ownership.”
Sharon is co-owner of Ninabrook and she works hard at her
job. She doesn’t watch the clock or even
track her hours. When you are a slave to
your job it is all about putting in hours and usually doing the bare
minimum. However, when you are an owner,
you deeply care about what you are doing.
It has your name attached to it and you are invested in it. So, when Sharon has to pull a number of late
night to switch over 400 items to their new website, she could begrudge it or
know that it will take her business to the next level.
“And that is the
moment the veil lifted. Only free
people own things.“ That is the difference between slaves and
heirs. If we look at what we are doing
from the perspective of an owner, everything changes. The key to inner motivation for others and
ourselves is to be liberated. When we
look at the perspective of an owner, everything becomes an investment. If we choose to go the other route and shame
people, we will just produce slaves who watch the clock and do just what they
are asked. If we threaten with our love and acceptance, we will never set them
free.
The children of Israel’s focus to possess the Promised Land
was the fuel for them to move forward and make it worth the fight. We will fight for what we believe in and we
need to fight right thought patterns and belief systems that God has given
us.
Romans 8:14-17
14For those who are
led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. 15The Spirit you received
does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit
you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba,
Father.” 16The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s
children. 17Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs
with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also
share in his glory.
So if as a husband, I am frustrated with the sex life with
my wife, I can choose to act in two ways.
I can either choose to get upset with her and tell her she is not a good
wife or I can choose vulnerability, connect on a deeper level with her, choose
to affirm her beauty and focus on genuine attraction.
Here is another example from being a father. My children are my heirs, but until they take
ownership of their lives, it is really no different than a master /slave
relationship. When I tell my kids to eat
their ‘greens’ and they ask how many, it is still a slave/master
situation. When I tell my kids to clean
up their room and they come back every few minutes and say, ‘Is thisgood enough?’ I
know we are still stuck. However, one
day, I trust my kids will choose to eat fruits and vegetables as a result of
their own desire to stay healthy and take charge of their own body. I hope one day my kids will clean their room
not because they have to but because they see how amazing it is when they can
actually find everything they are looking for!
We are getting there, well, most of the time.
“As a parent, I have
the responsibility to tell my kids what they must do. But I have a bigger goal
in mind- helping them to grow up into an inheritance. My short –term need is to give them rules,
but my long-term goal is for them to live, not under the fear of the law, but
under the joy of ownership”
Alan D Wright
I want to lead my children from a place of self-control
through establishing principles to the place of Spirit-control where they act
based on the prompting of the Holy Spirit in love.
I am a freedom fighter.
Therefore I want to treat people in a liberating way. I want to escort them into freedom. I want to treat others like owners. We are co-heirs with Christ in the new
kingdom.
Some great final thoughts from Alan D Wright:
Who have I been trying to change? Am I doing it God’s way or the enemy’s way?
We need to quit trying
to convince ourselves that it’s wrong to want other people to change and start
focusing on how we can help others change in a biblical way. We need to start asking: What is the right
way to motivate, empower, and spur people toward the changes that we know would
be good for them and those that they touch.
Choose today to
abandon the unhealthy ways that you try to change others with shaming
tactics. After an honest evaluation of how I want people I
love to change, I will apply biblical strategies and patiently await God’s work
in them.
