Wednesday, December 18, 2013

How do you get people to change?


How do you get people to change? 

We have all asked that question and often the answer begins by changing the focus and saying, “what do I need to do to be the change?” and other clichés like that. However, that all changed for me today as I was reading, “Free Yourself To Be Yourself” by Alan D. Wright.  I think we have all resisted the kind of change that feels like you are being manipulated, coerced, ‘guilted’, ‘voluntold’…you name it!  

The fact of the matter is that we are all in the people-change business whether you are a parent, a salesperson, a pastor.  Let’s be honest!  Of course we want people to change, but what do we hear so often from the voice inside our head to the word on the street, “It’s not my job!”  I think we want everybody around us to change whether that is our daughter to worry less about whether she is amazing and beautiful…’without make-up’ to seeing our friends come to know Jesus!  

Moses wanted the children of Israel to change.  He wanted them to stop worshipping the golden calf and be more patient in waiting for God to show up.  He wanted them to stop complaining sooo much and realize just how amazingly blessed they were.  The prophets wanted people to change from worshipping foreign gods and Paul, the apostle wanted the church in Rome to be transformed by the renewing of their mind!  Jesus wanted people to change and that is why He touched lepers, lifted up prostitutes and poured so much time into the disciples.  Of course we want people to change.  That is why teachers teach, parents parent and salesmen sell. There is no sin in wanting people to change; however it is a sin if our approach to change uses the tactics of the enemy and the world such as guilt, shame, condemnation etc… We have to motivate the right way!

The most important thing we can do is pray and intercede for the people that we definitely want to see discover real change.  We should stand in the gap, envision God’s best for them, declare the promises of God over them ask God to put godly influences in their lives!

In addition to this, here are three great biblical strategies that Alan D. Wright shares in his book.

1    1.   We change a negative spirit by sowing the opposite spirit.

There is always a law at work called sowing and reaping and it’s undeniable.  If we sow jalapeno peppers they will not turn into green peppers!  The same is true with weeds.  We will never get green grass by sowing more weeds or letting weeds like dandelions continue to pollinate the yard.  The principle here is found in Romans 12:21, ‘do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good’.  In order for Jesus to make people more forgiving, He forgave them.  We can’t heal by shaming someone.  Perfect love casts out fear. 

The orphan spirit cannot be yanked out of a person, it must be displaced in a person.  If a person is going to quit acting so insecurely, their insecurity must be displaced by continued acceptance.

Alan D Wright

A simple example, a husband will not stop overworking if a wife keeps telling him how disgusted and disappointed she is with him.  It needs to come from a spirit of grace by conveying how much she does love being with him and how much the children enjoy time with him.

2            2. We enable positive change through the power of blessing.

Other than the Spirit of God, the most powerful force for change is recognizing how important a blessing is.  It is more important than positive reinforcement or even affirmation.  It has the prophetic power to bring incredible change in a person.  We only have to look at Issac’s blessing of Jacob to know how significant blessing is.  One of the things that I am so diligent about is praying over my children before they ‘hit the hay’!  Now, Jordan and I will have more conversations, but the other day he was driving to Pickering and I took the opportunity to pray a prayer of blessing over him and pray for 4 angels posted on every corner of that Neon!  I will pray into my children’s destiny, purpose  and God given gifts to enable them to be bright and shining lights for Him!  I have discovered that our blessing especially as father’s can be so empowering.  We are often a ‘man of few words’ so when we speak blessing, our wife and kids will be listening.  It will also directly empower them to love each other more as well.  It is contagious.  Discipline can also come in the form of a blessing if we look for the right opportunity.  Remember that it takes seeds to grow, so be patient and don’t look for immediate results although that can certainly happen.

3      3. Learn to help people embrace responsibility by treating them as if they’re owners, not slaves.

Alan writes, “slaves are valued for their productivity, whereas sons are valued for their position.”  Though I may ask my son to do some simple chores, the fact is that I give him more than he could ever give me.  Slaves also primarily motivated by rules and not by a relationship.  Sometimes a child is more motivated by consequences of the lack of obedience, but they are more motivated by reminding me of the promises I’ve made to them like, “ We will go for a timmies run when you are done…” However, what motivates us to work hard in life?  How can we encourage others without shaming them?  So, often even preaching becomes in essence, “try harder, do more, keep working at it”.  Something is missing though and Alan speaks of it as a revelation that he received.  He shares the story about a time he found one of the elders at his church working on a Saturday afternoon.  Alan shared with him, “you know that isn’t your job” to which he responded, “well, it needs to be done”.  He went on to say, “I guess it is just a matter of ownership.” 

Sharon is co-owner of Ninabrook and she works hard at her job.  She doesn’t watch the clock or even track her hours.  When you are a slave to your job it is all about putting in hours and usually doing the bare minimum.  However, when you are an owner, you deeply care about what you are doing.  It has your name attached to it and you are invested in it.  So, when Sharon has to pull a number of late night to switch over 400 items to their new website, she could begrudge it or know that it will take her business to the next level.

“And that is the moment the veil lifted.  Only free people own things.“ That is the difference between slaves and heirs.  If we look at what we are doing from the perspective of an owner, everything changes.  The key to inner motivation for others and ourselves is to be liberated.  When we look at the perspective of an owner, everything becomes an investment.  If we choose to go the other route and shame people, we will just produce slaves who watch the clock and do just what they are asked. If we threaten with our love and acceptance, we will never set them free.

The children of Israel’s focus to possess the Promised Land was the fuel for them to move forward and make it worth the fight.  We will fight for what we believe in and we need to fight right thought patterns and belief systems that God has given us.  

Romans 8:14-17 
14For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. 15The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” 16The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. 17Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

So if as a husband, I am frustrated with the sex life with my wife, I can choose to act in two ways.  I can either choose to get upset with her and tell her she is not a good wife or I can choose vulnerability, connect on a deeper level with her, choose to affirm her beauty and focus on genuine attraction.

Here is another example from being a father.  My children are my heirs, but until they take ownership of their lives, it is really no different than a master /slave relationship.  When I tell my kids to eat their ‘greens’ and they ask how many, it is still a slave/master situation.  When I tell my kids to clean up their room and they come back every few minutes and say, ‘Is thisgood enough?’ I know we are still stuck.  However, one day, I trust my kids will choose to eat fruits and vegetables as a result of their own desire to stay healthy and take charge of their own body.  I hope one day my kids will clean their room not because they have to but because they see how amazing it is when they can actually find everything they are looking for!  We are getting there, well, most of the time.

As a parent, I have the responsibility to tell my kids what they must do. But I have a bigger goal in mind- helping them to grow up into an inheritance.  My short –term need is to give them rules, but my long-term goal is for them to live, not under the fear of the law, but under the joy of ownership”

Alan D Wright

I want to lead my children from a place of self-control through establishing principles to the place of Spirit-control where they act based on the prompting of the Holy Spirit in love.



I am a freedom fighter.  Therefore I want to treat people in a liberating way.  I want to escort them into freedom.  I want to treat others like owners.  We are co-heirs with Christ in the new kingdom. 

Some great final thoughts from Alan D Wright:

Who have I been trying to change?  Am I doing it God’s way or the enemy’s way?

We need to quit trying to convince ourselves that it’s wrong to want other people to change and start focusing on how we can help others change in a biblical way.  We need to start asking: What is the right way to motivate, empower, and spur people toward the changes that we know would be good for them and those that they touch.


Choose today to abandon the unhealthy ways that you try to change others with shaming tactics.  After  an honest evaluation of how I want people I love to change, I will apply biblical strategies and patiently await God’s work in them.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

World AIDS Day moving from hopelessness to HOPE!

Last Sunday started by listening to Pastor James who is visiting here from the Apostolic Faith Mission in Butha Buthe, Lesotho share with me the story of Biko, named after activist Steve Biko.  Biko was one of the foster children who lived at the Thikuli foster home.  He was a young boy who died of HIV / AIDS at the age of 12.  He was born with HIV through transmission that took place at birth from his mother.  He was a boy on a mission and God gave him a passion to witness for Jesus.  James shared the story with me how up to two weeks before he passed into the presence of His Daddy Father God, he was sitting down with his principal and every teacher in his school to challenge them.  He sat down, leaned forward in his chair, looked them straight in the eyes and said, “do you know Jesus as your Savior?’.  He wanted to make sure that everyone knew his hope!  I share Biko’s passion for seeing people come to faith and God has blessed me through my relationships to lead two very good friends to Jesus.  I am so thankful for the “My Hope” campaign of Billy Graham which was such an instrumental tool.  We watched this one in particular. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyCtpoJFZSo

On Monday, I spent the evening with my swimming buddies at MoMondays in the EBar located above The Bookshelf on Quebec St.  My swim buddy, Mike Salisbury, oversees the event and does an amazing job.  This month they partnered with the Guelph AIDS committee to feature speakers as part of their AIDS awareness week events.  I listened to some heavy and tough stories of people who are dealing with HIV on a daily basis.  I heard one lady share about losing her husband in ’95 to HIV / AIDS and she is still here because they finally found a cocktail of antiretrovirals in time for her. I listened to a man still living HIV positive and now living a normal life 25 years later.  I listened to a young lady share how she has lived with both of her parents HIV positive from the time she was born.  Miraculously she was born HIV negative.  All of their stories had a common thread.  They or their loved ones were told to get their “house in order” and prepare to die.  However, they are still here, sharing their story and hopefully as awareness and education continue will be the champions of overcoming the stigma associated with this disease.
Last night I attended Bracelet of Hope’s World AIDS day event at the River Run Center.  Check out the highlights here.




During the event, Dr. Anne Marie didn’t mince her words as she told us how her life was changed forever after travelling to Lesotho  with OHAfrica, a medical team that helped open the first HIV and AIDS clinic in Hlotse, Lesotho.  She spoke about being an “Italian mother” who was “pissed off”!  She shared how she came home and screamed about the injustice to her children, her family and her community and they listened and responded and how the 1st million dollars came in for this foundation.  


She told the story of Makhauta, one of the children in the Thikuli foster home that I had the
amazing opportunity to visit.

She shared about Andy McDougall who is one of Bracelet of Hope’s workers in Lesotho.

"I put my hands on Makhauta’s small shoulders and asked if she was well. She is not. The nausea has returned, and her feet and legs are swollen and painful. They think it is the meds again.  They  have her scheduled for a checkup at the hospital next week. I have a really bad feeling about Makhauta’s future.  Not something based on fact, or science, or something that someone has told me. Just a really dark feeling that I could not shake throughout our visit today.

I am worried for her, and for my friends back home who know and love her.  But mostly I am worried for her grandmother.  ‘M’e Mamatseliso loves all of the children at the foster home – it is so clear when you see her interacting with them.  But this is her granddaughter. ‘M’e Mamatseliso has lost children at the home to death before. And she has lost several of her own children, including Makhauta’s mother.  She is such a decent, loving woman who does what she does because of her love for kids. She doesn’t deserve this. But I feel strongly that this is something that is coming into her life regardless."

Then Dr. Anne Marie, whom I’m proud to say is my family doctor share,


I have watched children die of AIDS, many of them.   The trauma of it runs so deep that the memories are seared into my brain where they have dramatically changed who I am and what I do.  I emailed Andy and asked him which medications Makhauta was taking.  He headed back up the mountain to her foster home to find out.  She was taking the typical third world regimen, the cast off drugs no longer used in North America replaced now by more potent drugs that are easier to take with few side effects.  I knew that in two days, Bracelet of Hope was sending a team of business people from Guelph to Lesotho.  I also knew which medications Makhauta needed.  Three drugs combined into one pill of which Makhauta only needs half.  I called the pharmacist we call Saint Danny and asked him if he could get me a 4 month supply of this medication, Atripla. I would pay for it and convince my colleagues to take it with them to Lesotho.  Danny was in my office the next day, two bottles in hand, a smile on his face with a look of firm resignation.  There was no way he would let me pay for them. 
My colleagues did not hesitate to join our little initiative.  Makhauta's new medications were tucked into a safe place where they made their way to Lesotho and up the mountain to her foster home.
Half a pill.  Once a day.

And two weeks later, more words from Andy.  


"She has been on the new medications since the day the team arrived.  She is feeling terrific and her health is much improved.  And to date, Anne-Marie, none of the possible side effects you mentioned have appeared.  She just feels great and is back at school and busy being a regular kid. 


It was then time for Pastor James to share and he spoke about one man who shared how AIDS is like leprosy was even in the 50’s when they had no cure, but now it can be eradicated.  Then he shared with Pastor James that it will be the same for HIV AIDS.  Pastor James closed by sharing how God is doing some great.


This is what Bracelet of Hope is all about and so my week finished with great hope and expectation and why I am proud to be an advocate for this organization.  One country HIV / AIDS free because of one city Guelph and we will be a model for all the rest of Canada!



I am super excited that God also laid it on our hearts and provided a way for us to go back to Lesotho, but this time with our whole family along with our niece, Carla.  We will be working with the Apostolic Faith Mission in Butha Buthe, Bracelet of Hope and LXP Lesotho from March 10th to April 6th.  We can’t wait to discover what is in store as we endeavor to be another piece in the puzzle for the mountainous kingdom of Lesotho for the glory of God!

Some links to articles on HIV/ AIDs in Canada and Africa