Before Conflict...Accepting what makes us different!

I want to introduce you to a church that was headed for some serious conflict and how Paul worked hard to diffuse the situation.  Let’s do a case study on the church at Corinth.

Things started heating up right at the beginning as Paul opens his letter with these remarks

1 Corinthians 1:10-17 and then in 3:1-5; 4:6

1Brothers and sisters, I could not address you as people who live by the Spirit but as people who are still worldly—mere infants in Christ. 2I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. 3You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere humans? 4For when one says, “I follow Paul,” and another, “I follow Apollos,” are you not mere human beings? 5What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? Only servants, through whom you came to believe—as the Lord has assigned to each his task.

What was the diagnosis? – Paul identified them as worldly – infants in Christ.

What made them worldly… Often this is associated with people being involved in certain types of activities; however Paul makes it clear that it is an inward attitude.  It was jealousy and quarreling.  The people attending the church at Corinth were playing favorites and Paul wanted to set the record straight in a church with multiple leadership.  

You may be taking sides, but we as leaders are not taking sides. 

That is not who we are.

Paul and Apollos were not pointing the people to themselves, they were pointing the people to the foundation, Jesus Christ.

1 Corinthians 4:6Now, brothers and sisters, I have applied these things to myself and Apollos for your benefit, so that you may learn from us the meaning of the saying, “Do not go beyond what is written.” Then you will not be puffed up in being a follower of one of us over against the other.

I want to say that this happened in Corinth and it could happen in any church and it could happen here at Grace. It’s human nature to favor one person over another and we  need to be on the alert for attitudes that cause divisiveness.  John, Bryan, Nathan and I are different in our personalities, gifting and strengths and we learn and grow together.

I also want to say that God is continuing to unify us as pastors and we are percolating and marinating together in prayer as well in collaboration as we seek God for His leading beyond “a time and place where love abounds”. 

Now before I get to being different, I want to point out one thing that is the same and that is that we are all ‘servants’.

5What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? Only servants, through whom you came to believe—as the Lord has assigned to each his task.

We are all called to serve one another in love…Everyone of us has been conscripted into the service whether you knew that or not!

Today let’s look at three ways we are different and why it is important for us to accept what makes us different in these specific ways.

  This applies on Sunday mornings and it applies for the rest of the week. 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

You may ask the question “why should I do this?”   I believe the answer to this will allow us to better understand the roles that God has designed us for in fulfilling His plan for His church.  We are all different here at Grace and yet we all are brothers and sisters in Christ as we talked about last week.  We are all on the same team. 

1.       We all have different personalities and as a result have a unique role to play.  V6,7

1 Corinthians 3:6 I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. 7 So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow.

What made Paul unique was that he was a “starter”.  He loved to start new churches, build into new people.  He was a man built for adventure.  He probably couldn’t sit still for very long and he was always on the move until he was locked up in prison and took the time to write half of the NT under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit.

So, he correctly refers to himself as one who ‘plants’.  Paul saw a lot of people come to faith in Jesus Christ.

Paul then identifies Apollos as ‘one who waters’.  A person who waters the plant is someone who has to stick around, someone who is going to nurture a young plant.  Apollos on the other hand was the person who in my estimation came alongside the new believers and taught them more about their new found faith.  He was steady, a maintainer, someone who enjoyed sticking around.

How do you think Apollos would be frustrated with Paul?… he might say man, he never finishing anything, he leaves me with all these baby Christians making messes all over the place.

How do you think Paul would be frustrated with Apollos?...  Why is Apollos so slow, it’s time for a new city, a new adventure and all he wants to do is stay in one place.  We saw that last week in 1 Corinthians 16:12

How does knowing how people are wired help me avoid unnecessary conflict.  Well, if I understand how they are wired, I hopefully will cut them more slack.

I have a plant in my office that needs a lot of love and nurturing.  I haven’t been very good about watering it.  I certainly appreciate the plant but I’m glad Susan notices it and waters it for me.  I also find myself as a follower of Jesus really loving the opportunity to plant the seed with people who are seekers, who want to learn more about the Lord. 

God has blessed me through my love for sports, in particular, hockey and swimming, to build friendships with people that are similar in interest but different in beliefs.  I also love how God brings people in my life.

God has blessed me with unique opportunities in the past week to meet with people … the guy aerating my lawn, the lady cutting my hair, a lady pulling in to stop at Grace because she felt God was leading her to pray for Kerry and Chris just prior to Kerry’s death.  I love how God shows up in my day as I anticipate Him shaking things up.  I am blessed as a pastor because so often my days look so completely different.  I embrace it.

Accepting what makes us different  in personality will help us complement each other instead of competing with each other in building up the body of Christ.

2.       We all have different giftings but we have one purpose. V8,9

8The one who plants and the one who waters have one purpose, and they will each be rewarded according to their own labor. 9For we are co-workers in God’s service; you are God’s field, God’s building.

God has given all of us assignments in the body. V5

 I don’t believe that you can only do one thing in the body or serve only in one way.  However, God has an assignment for each of us and we need to accept the role that He is asking us to play.

Let’s remember the ultimate purpose is discovered in watching God make what we have done and cause it to grow!

We are all here to build His church! We are here to build people up in their faith.  We are here to be led by the Spirit not

 Peter and Jesus in John 21:21-23…this is your assignment… never mind about their assignment.

Sometimes, we forget to follow our own assignment and it is personal.  Our nature again is to poke our nose in there and want to figure out other people’s assignments. 

Now if we are invited in to that place where others are asking us for insight and wisdom, then we go there.

Accepting what makes us different will help us complement each other instead of competing with each other in building up the body of Christ as it relates to our gifting.

3.       We all have  different  strengths and as a result we can build on each other’s work v10,11

10By the grace God has given me, I laid a foundation as a wise builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should build with care. 11For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ.

As we see our differences, we need to learn not to compete, not to be jealous, not to think “oh, they are better than me because they are more visible and for that matter we need to appreciate what we all bring to the table of grace.

We need to be considerate especially in a community church where there is a rich tapestry of diversity.  One of the things that makes us different is that we didn’t get connected here because we were a denomination or a satellite church of some larger body.  No I believe one of the reasons that we are connected is found in our name, Grace.

What are the pitfalls of having different strengths or for that matter, different personalities and giftings?

We may raise one type of gifting as more significant than another…most likely our own gifting, our own personality and our strength.

We may feel threatened because well, we don’t have that gifting.

How do we keep from ending up in those pitfalls of divided loyalties and creating rivalries?

We all need to remember that the foundation is Jesus Christ, we are all members of his team and we all can do much more working together than working against each other.

These are attitudes we can develop early to keep ourselves open to how God works in everyone of us so differently.

People on Sundays have different roles to play.  We also need to  keep from criticizing what might simply be a matter of personal preference.   

We do this by accepting what makes us different  and discover how we complement each other instead of competing with each other in building up the body of Christ

The Takeaway

Engage people that are different from you because in doing so we will see better how we truly can fit together instead of seeing it as how we clash with each other.

(use folded hands to bang in to each other and then fit fingers between the knuckles)

Here is a little exercise to get you started on this.

My thanks to Dr. Jason Whitehurst for the following exercise...

Draw a circle with a dot in the middle of the circle.  If you are good, you will know how to do this without lifting your pen off your paper….

Ok, so put yourself in the middle of the circle. Now put several dots in the circle. Label those dots as people that you communicate with and engage on a regular basis.

Now, on the outside of the circle, draw one dot. Who does that dot represent?

Who is that person that is not in your normal circle of friends and associates?

Who is that person that is different from you in many ways?

My aim is to get you to intentionally engage that person who is different. What I mean by that is, get out of your comfort bubble and communicate and build relationships with people that are different.  It is really easy to always socialize and hang out with people who are just like you and me. That’s easy. What is challenging is to find different people and intentionally engage them. Not a surface level, “Hey how are you?”, but a deeper communication.

The reason for communicating with people that are different, is that they challenge you.

Different people challenge your way of thinking.

Different people challenge the way you see the world.

Different people challenge why you believe what you believe.

As Christians, the number one reason we should engage people who are different is because Jesus did. Jesus did not stay in His “wheelhouse” or comfort zone, but He went and met and ate with different people.

They were people who were not like Jesus. They were people who didn’t think like Jesus. Many times, they were actually on the other end of the sprectrum from Jesus in almost every way. But He set the example of how His followers should live.

My desire is to reach out to people that are different from me

As God gives the opportunity I want to be faithful to engaging people who are different, that I might in some way show the love of God and true Christianity.

I encourage you, label that dot outside the circle you drew with a person’s name, and go build a relationship with that person.

Accepting what makes us different will help us complement each other instead of competing with each other in building up the body of Christ….

As we understand our personalities, as we appreciate our giftings, as we focus on our strengths we can work towards the same goal on the foundation of Jesus Christ and be part of watching God grow His church!

Before Conflict Begins...embracing the attitude of acceptance!

 I grew up in a home where you just had to raise your voice to get your point across or slam your fist the hardest, I really didn’t think it was bad, it certainly got your attention!  However, I have to admit that there I’m still learning to do conflict well.  I have learned to lose the defensiveness and the importance of confessing my sin especially when I have slammed my fist!

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Romans 12:18

As it relates to life in the church….you can avoid a lot of unnecessary conflict by accepting these three truths.

1.      We are all brothers and sisters on the same team …the enemy is out there not in here!

In Philippians 4:2,3,  we are introduced to Euodia yoo-OH-dih and Syntycke  (SIN-tih-kee), two women who had a leadership role in the church there.  They ‘contended at my side in the cause of the gospel’, but they are not getting along.   Now, if two people not getting along, that shouldn’t be a big issue, that is unless of course they represent constituencies and they have strong disagreements.

Sarah Green in the Harvard Business Review talks about 9 mistakes we make in the area of conflict.  The first one she refers to is falling into a “combat mentality”. 

This allows the conversation to become a zero-sum game, with a winner and a loser. But the reality is, when we let conversations take on this tenor…everyone looks bad, and everyone loses. The real enemy is not your conversational counterpart, but the combat mentality itself.

2 Corinthians 10:5 take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ.

We need to separate the person from the potential conflict like a pillow in the middle of a couch.  Often we look at the person through the pillow and the person becomes one with the issue.  We need to take the pillow from in between us and place it on the floor so we attack the issue, not the person!

I am personally committed to you as a person who is “IN THE LORD.  The way to openly convey feelings is to be predisposed to a committed way of thinking. 

Philippians 4:2,3 The word for ‘agree’ = a way of thinking or a disposition. We want to have the same mindset in the Lord, the mind of Christ.

It is the realization that our Lord is the tie that binds us together in love.  If we drift apart from this truth, we will find it much more easier to break partnership with each other.

Sharon has a great way of challenging our children especially when things start to escalate.  She will tell them… Brynley, Addi, you are sisters for life and nothing will change that. 

Some of your friends will come and go but your relationship is forever.

It would seem like a simple point, but it is a truth worth remembering.  As followers of Jesus, we are family forever.

2.      Everything is not a matter of right and wrong, it could be just different.

We need incredible wisdom and discernment here.

1 Cor 16:12  It wasn’t an argument that needed to be won.

Sometimes we will just have to agree to have a different point of view.

The question that I need to ask myself with a potential challenging situation is how important is this issue for me to raise.

Let’s take a simple Sunday morning example:

Two weeks ago we have our Easter service and there was only congregational singing for two songs.  Some loved it and some wished that they had opportunity to sing more.  Is there a certain amount of songs that we are supposed to sing every Sunday? No.  So, this isn’t a matter of right and wrong.  It is just different.  We need the willingness and the freedom to have services that are different.

Let’s talk about another Sunday morning example…  raising our hands when we sing worship songs.  One person may look down on another person for raising their hands thinking why do they have to be so expressive.  Another person might be raising their hands and thinking what is wrong with the rest of the duds in this place.  Why can’t they just get into the worship more.

However, it is what we don’t know that may be the answer to the question.  What has my brother or sister being dealing with this week?  They might be experiencing dealing with a broken relationship, they might have just lost their job, they may have been dealing with a great deal of sickness and for some they just need to let the beauty and the words of the song wash over them like waves on the shore of a beach. 

For others, they just found a new job, they just welcomed a new member to their family and they want to just shout the LORD’s praises!

So if God is telling you to raise your hands, raise them, if He is telling you to sit and soak it in, do that and let’s all commit to worshipping the Lord in Spirit and in truth in this place.

3.      Make allowances for each other’s weaknesses and limitations. 

Now remember it isn’t allowance for sin that is requested here.

Ephesians 4:2  Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love.

How do you make allowances?  

Thankfully the passage tells us.

·         We do this with humility and gentleness

Humility could be asking the question, “Is this a major or a minor?”

Is this the hill that I’m going to die on whether that is with your spouse, your child, your Christian brother or sister…

Gentleness is power under control.  It is the power to diffuse a potentially heated situation by responding in love and understanding.  It is not a false modesty, a self-depreciation, or a spineless refusal to stand for anything.   

Gentleness is refusing to act in anger or demand my own way.

Gentleness is never a cowardly retreat from reality, it isn’t avoiding trouble, but it is

“knowing HOW to say it”!

18 But Jesus, knowing their evil intent, said, “You hypocrites, why are you trying to trap me? 19 Show me the coin used for paying the tax.” They brought him a denarius, 20 and he asked them, “Whose image is this? And whose inscription?”21 “Caesar’s,” they replied.

Then he said to them, “So give back to Caesar what is Caesar’s, and to God what is God’s.”22 When they heard this, they were amazed. So they left him and went away.

·         We do this with patience. 

A valuable lesson in patience is learning the 2 principle as Sue Bitton shared with our teaching team this week.

Does this situation require me to take 2 seconds to respond, 2 minutes, 2 hours, 2 days?

When Rylan played double A hockey in Milton a few years ago, the coach had a rule about feedback.  He wanted every parent who thought their child was going to make it the NHL wait 24hrs before commenting on their child’s ice time etc…

The Takeaway

We do this for the purpose of unity in the Spirit and for the bond of peace  Ephesians 4:3

As children of our heavenly Father, we are a diverse group. We come from varied backgrounds,  We have different tastes, preferences and needs. How can such a diverse group have unity? It is God's Spirit that binds us together.

·         We all have special gifts and talents that God has given us.

However, he has given each one of us a special gift through the generosity of Christ.  The actual word in the Greek is gift (the beneficial nature of the gift) not grace as some of you might see in your translation.

·         We are all part of this fascinating body

Ephesians 4:16

·         Walk in the power of the Holy Spirit!

Even though Jesus knew that His disciples had a willingness to follow Him, He also knew the weakness of their flesh. This is why He encouraged them to pray. He knew that only the power of the Holy Spirit could rule over the weakness of the flesh.

Do you realize how weak and insufficient you are in your own strength to do what God requires? If you do, ask Him now to empower you with His Spirit to help you to lovingly seek reconciliation with your mate. Where you are weak, He will make you strong (2 Cor. 12:9,10)!