Loving The Family Around Us

The Greek word agape (love) seems to have been virtually a Christian invention -- a new word for a new thing (apart from about twenty occurrences in the Greek version of the Old Testament, it is almost non-existent before the New Testament). Agape draws its meaning directly from the revelation of God in Christ. It is not a form of natural affection, however, intense, but a supernatural fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22). It is a matter of will rather than feeling (for Christians must love even those they dislike -- Matt. 5:44-48). It is the basic element in Christ-likeness.                                 

J I Packer

Loving The Family Around Us…

I want to share about two stories in particular that have similar family members involved and that being two sisters, Mary and Martha.  As I read, I want you to ask yourself the question, “Do I find myself more identifying with Mary or with Martha?” 

John 11: 17-37

Initial observations

Martha was a doer.   

She confronts with Jesus with what she appears to be a lack of sensitivity on His part, but still has BOLD  faith to believe that Jesus could completely turn the situation around.

“But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.”

Where is Mary…she is at home

Mary is caught up in the moment, in the grief, in the death statement itself.  Where was Mary when Martha went out looking for Jesus.  She was at home.  She was being comforted in her grief.

She waits to be called.

Luke 10:38-42

Initial Observations

Jesus had friends.  He chose to be in a close relationship with Mary, Martha and Lazarus.  He stays at their home, he cares for them and he loves them. 

They minister to Jesus like family.  While Jesus is ministering to the multitudes, here is a group of people who are sensitive to His needs to come apart, to rest and to be refreshed.

This passage is all about welcoming a guest into our home, it is all about hospitality and the person being loved is Jesus.  All too often coming to church can become about business and getting things done, albeit good things like setting up appointments, completing the tasks that we need to do and we miss out on the best appointments, the divine-led ones because we all too easily get distracted about the business of church life.  As a pastor I know that I can be the most guilty of this.

Are you a Mary or a Martha?

Mary Is more contemplative, she is drawn to spiritual disciplines like solitude, extended prayer, journaling.   Mary is a BE person

Martha is more of an activist, she is the doer, she wants to be out there serving, ministering, teaching,

Martha is a realist, she is also matter of fact and practical.  Jesus, are you sure, my brother has been dead for four days!  It is really going to stink in there.

Mary is the one who is drawn into the moment, feels the weight of the situation she finds herself in

Choosing To Love v38,39

I think what we sometimes do is to immediately see the course correction that was needed in Martha’s life.  We gravitate towards Mary because of her devotion and look at Martha as distracted. 

I believe both women were choosing to love Jesus in the way that they both understood best how to love.  We know from reading the end of this passage that Mary got it right in that moment; however let’s not lose sight of the fact that it was Martha who welcomed Jesus into her home.  It is identified as her place.  She had the initial thought and she was the host.

Have you ever been a host and in charge of all the details for an event? It is so hard to “be in the moment” when you are serving others.  I experienced this the other night as we hosted the youth for the dessert portion of their progressive dinner.  I was focused on scooping up the ice cream, keeping the waffles coming and making sure stuff was put away before it went bad.  I was picking up plates, draining pop…no spills for this dutch clean freak!  Eventually, I did finally sit down and connect with a few people later in the evening.  However I have also been in someone else’s home while they were hosting, albeit feeling the compelling urge to help out, but choosing to stay in conversation with others.

Loving People The Way I Want To Be Loved v40

Martha, a doer, was overwhelmed in the moment and was really irritated by Mary’s complete lack of awareness to the situation at hand.  So, Martha is frantically working on preparing an amazing meal for her special guest and she is thinking I want to put on a lavish meal for Him.  It was a worthy endeavor from a human perspective.  After all, Jesus had been travelling from Galilee and made his way all to Bethany just outside of Jerusalem about 100km on foot!

She most likely thought how would I want someone to treat me in this situation?  I would really appreciate someone to wash my feet and replenish my body.  Unfortunately as good as her intentions were, it missed the mark.

When we love people the way that we want to be loved, we may get it right.  They may receive love and appreciate love the way that we do; however, there is a better way but it takes time o really listen to the heart of another person tand it takes prayer I believe to really fulfill that need in another family member’s life.

Loving People The Way They Were Created To Receive Love v41,42

However, Jesus was approaching the final stage of his ministry and  knew He was heading towards the excruciating journey to the cross.  He didn’t need an elaborate meal, He needed quietness and someone to listen.

There is an important lesson here: We need to help people in the way that they want to be helped, not necessarily in the way that we want to help them.

Many of you are familiar with a book called the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  In that book, he describes five ways that we receive and give love and often the way that we show love is the way that we look to receive it.

The Five Love Languages  published in ’92 by  Gary Chapman has been really insightful on understanding how to love people. 

They are: Receiving Gifts / Quality Time / Words of Affirmation/ Acts of Service / Physical Touch.  There is now the five love languages for children, teens…  Take the survey to discover who you are at  www.5lovelanguages.com

I have broken down these five gift into two categories.

The gifts of a “doer”  - Martha

Acts of service –

These are those who show love and expect it by doing things for their spouse or other people. Doing acts of service comes naturally to them, they’ll volunteer to do anything (in-fact sometimes you have to stop them). An act of service husband would have no problem washing dishes, ironing or doing other domestic chores, his way of showing love to his wife is usually by keeping the house (inside or outside) clean and doing it is not a chore.

Giving gifts –

people who show love by giving gifts are interesting people, to many of them that I know, it is not the gift that makes them happy (of course everyone likes a great gift once in a while) but the thought behind the gift is huge. The regularity is the giving is also very important, a spouse of this person will do well with small gifts (might not even be something that cost money) most of the time with occasional expensive stuff.

However it is also interesting to note that just because you choose to show love this way doesn’t mean that this is the way that you want to receive love in the same manner.

The Gifts of a “BE person” Mary

Words of affirmation –

The people who work in this gifting know how to affirm the qualities, talents and really see the wonderful qualities in others.  They look for something good in anyone to affirm that person. A word of affirmation wife would have no problem saying nice things to her husband but would have serious problem if he is not reciprocating the gesture.

Physical touch –

This gift is shown in an awareness of the other person in that they show compassion through touch, an arm around the shoulder, a hug of appreciation.  As a couple, it could be the simple things like holding hands, showing warmth etc…

Quality time –

A quality time husband or wife love their spouse to be with them always, they’ll avoid social functions if their spouse can’t make it – hobbies would be more fun if the husband/wife participates with them, like any language this has different dialects, some love to be indoors (just be in the same house with me), and for some they want their spouse to go for company events and walks with them.

I am naturally by default a “doer” and so in my home, my default way of showing love to Sharon and to my children is to do stuff for them, help with lunches, keep the house clean. 

It is interesting to see how they all respond differently to that. 

We need to come to appreciate and understand that the other person’s effort should be appreciated even when they are not speaking your love language.   Sharon knows that sitting on the couch and really listening intently in conversation in not my greatest strength

Questions we need to honestly ask of ourselves.

How do you arrive here on Sunday mornings….are you distracted, anxious, rushed?  Do you come anticipating what the Lord will reveal to us?  Are you just too busy to even contemplate how God may want to use you in this time?  You just may have the “Martha syndrome”

There are people here on a Sunday morning who need to receive expressions of love from you.  You have been holding back possibly because you are waiting for them to take the first step.  Agape love initiates, it takes the lead, it puts itself out there.

There are people here who may be trying to show you love but you haven’t received it or valued it because it isn’t your love language.  You need to show appreciation for that expression of love.

This is our home here Grace on Sunday mornings and those of us who serve actively up and front and behind the scenes are in many ways like the hosts of a home.  We can very easily be like the Marthas, caught up and distracted and there is much we can learn from the “be-people” about being in the moment.  For those of you who are in the moment, we need you to recognize and appreciate the doers for creating the time and space for a love that abounds.

Mark Driscoll shared it best when he said…

Worship, then work. Worship God before you work so that you could worship God in your work. And do the work that God has called you to do, not chasing your potential, but pursuing your calling. Not volunteering yourself as the savior of the world to plug every hole and meet every need. That job’s already taken. And instead to spend time with the savior of the world, asking him what portion of the mission he’s entrusted to your service. So we want Mary’s heart and we want Martha’s hands. Amen? That’s what we want. We want Mary’s heart, Martha’s hands.

Prayer

LORD, as we have met today, I pray that we would have the heart of Mary, to be submissive, to listen to what you have to say to us God.  I pray for those of us with “Martha- like tendencies” that we wouldn’t be distracted, feel the compelling urge to check our phones or be working on our to do lists.  I pray that we would be able to concentrate on what you have for us in this time together where love abounds!