Speaking The Truth In Love

Communication experts say that the words we speak to others can actually produce six different messages! Those messages include what you meant to say, what you actually said, what the other person heard, what the other person thought they heard, what they say to others about what you said and what you think the other person said about what you said. It reminds me of that crazy game we played as kids called, ‘telephone’. Things can get distorted really quickly and I think that is why Jesus stressed the importance of letting our yes be yes and our no simply no! Paul also gave us great instruction on how we communicate. We will reinforce how the foundation for speaking truth is trust, how communication comes from the heart and for truth to really take hold, it must be done with honesty.

The FOUNDATION – Trust is the place to start

So, how important is our yes and no’s. Probably the easiest way to illustrate this is in the context of parenting. For example, if I tell my child that yes, we will go to the park today and that is later changed to no, no matter how good the reason might be, the trust factor takes a hit in his eyes. Now, the next time I talk about going to the park, he will probably not be satisfied with a simple yes. He will continue to probably ask the question because doubt has surfaced and he will look for reassurance. Truth is eroded by lies.

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. Ephesians 4:25

Lies are told in the absence of trust. We lie because of the fear of consequences. We lie to give others a sense of reassurance. However, the verse teaches us why we must put it off, it’s about ‘body life’. If one member of the body is suffering by living up to false expectations, than the whole body suffers! If we cannot own up to who we really are then we create this false illusion. So, when someone is really suffering and desperately wanting to tell the truth, they don’t and they suffer in silence. WHY? They start to believe that I must be the only one who has this kind of thought or has acted in this way. When this happens in the body, the body then begins to become paralyzed from any real feeling.

When someone in the body owns up to a lie, we need to provide the pathway back to fellowship, trust and restoration.

In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27and do not give the devil a foothold. Ephesians 4:26,27

Anger is a strong human emotion and a perfect response to the pain of sin. However, when anger is attached to a person who has disappointed us, it can be used by the enemy to destroy us. We open ourselves up to bitterness when we choose to hold on to the offences that were done to hurt us. The fact is that the offences keep hurting us. Jesus calls us to teach and learn the pathway back to trust. The application of letting our yes be yes and our no be no is powerful.

28He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.
No, I can’t accept what you are doing. Yes, here is a new way to do things.

Ephesians4:29Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

No, you cannot talk like that.

Yes, this is the way to respect others.

We learned so much yesterday about the power of affirmation, but notice that it is done for their benefit, not ours. It must be free of manipulation

2 degrees steps toward this: (John Trent)

Yes, we will pray together on Sunday nights after the kids are in bed before the TV is turned on or even the dishes are done and the lunches are made…

Yes, I’ll keep my promise to take you to the park. What is one project that you have promised to do, let your yes be yes and do it this week.

Yes, I’ll spend time really listening to you….whether that is the Lord, your spouse, your child.
And if in the honesty of a real conversation, painful things are revealed, then be honest.
No, I never realized how much I hurt you

HARD OR SOFT – The condition of your heart

Ephesians 4:17So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. 18They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. 19Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more.

Our behaviour has everything to do with our heart and its sensitivity to sin. The downward spiral begins with believing lies and goes straight to the heart where sin becomes blatant but we are unaffected in our attitude or response to it.

Graydon shared yesterday about how he created his drop ceiling in his basement. He cut the metal strips that hold each section with a blade that obviously wasn’t meant to go through metal. He told us after he got the job done that he noticed a number of teeth in the blade were missing and that reminds me of how our conscience works or the lack of one. As we continue to accept the lies from our culture, our conscience loses teeth and the Holy Spirit is grieved.

Ephesians 4:30And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
31Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

It sounds easy enough, but it is a lot harder to practice….WHY? Well because,
Jesus said, ‘Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks’. Matthew 12:34

So, when we say something that earns an unpleasant reaction, we might catch ourselves saying, wait, I really didn’t mean that. So, then what do we often do? We don’t say anything at all.
Here are some 2 degree changes in this area as well.

1. Learn to pray for the other person before you speak
2. Wait until after you have eaten, but not too late to have a difficult conversation. Studies show that tiredness, hunger and low blood sugar can create more tension and irritability
3. Use owning statements instead of blaming statements…This is how I feel when...

THIS DOES NOT BECOME YOU - Learning to live with honest reflection

This is a statement that Sharon used to use on me and it is the same argument that Paul is using here in Ephesians 4:20
20You, however, did not come to know Christ that way.
This selfish behaviour that you are displaying right now…well, for one it isn’t pleasant to watch and this is not who you are. In all honesty, I didn’t really appreciate the fact that Sharon was calling me on my behaviour at the time, but deep down I knew she was right and I learned, I retrained my mind to remember who I’m supposed to be!
21Surely you heard of him and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. 22You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

The only way that I can do that is to recognize I don’t have it, constantly pray for it, desperately ask God for it and watch HIM work!

One of the best visuals we got yesterday was from Gary Smalley and he showed us this cardboard cut out sign that he holds up to the Lord now as a reminder at the beginning of each day. It said HELP ME, Please! Please! I have a broken tongue, hands, legs. I’m totally bankrupt.

We pray until one of two things happen: God changes the situation or God changes me.

Speaking the truth in love is not easy, but it is so much more beneficial than just ‘being nice’.

Anyone can be nice and tell you what you want to hear or reassure you that oh, you’re not that bad. However, real honesty may mean rejection. Jesus was honest with the rich young ruler and he faced rejection. However, at the same time it can bring joyful acceptance as it did with Peter when Jesus asked do you also want to go too.
Peter shared to whom else will we go, for you have the words of eternal life in John 6:60

To invite others to communicate with real honesty is hard, but it is life changing. It is not for the timid and it takes great courage and involves risk. However those who live by it know that it is worth it for the potential and hope that it has to offer.

‘You didn’t take his life, He gave it’ is a very powerful quote from the movie, ‘The End of The Spear’. It is in that moment that Stephen Saint has an incredible revelation about his father. It was his father who told him as a son that if they were attacked, they would not fight back. They knew Jesus and we’re prepared to die but these people needed to find the same hope.

While you may not have the ability to heal someone physically with your words, there is no doubt your words can heal a relationship, heal someone’s faith, heal a broken heart, heal a shattered hope. Tom Holladay

15Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. Ephesians4:16From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

A ligament is a strong band of tissue that connects ends of bones together at a joint. They act to limit the amount of movement that can occur at a joint, therefore they keep your joints stable.
If you tear a ligament in your body (sprain), the joint will become less stable. Ligaments need time to heal, and in the meantime you will have to be very careful with your joint so that you do not cause further damage.

If a ligament is torn in half, you will most likely require surgery to repair it.

The reality of speaking the truth in love is that it may prevent movement or even slow down movement, but in the end it will keep the relationship stable and ultimately allow the body of Christ to move forward. The strong band of tissue creates good tension and makes the ligament stronger

When we disregard the truth we can cause more damage like a torn MCL or ACL

We can actually impede movement and set the body of Christ further back.
Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18

2 degree change:

Is there someone this week that I need to risk an honest conversation with? If yes, spend the first five days praying about it.

If the answer is NO
Who needs to hear words of healing from me? Identify who it is and begin to even ask God for a verse for them.

The Takeaway:
It takes courage, risk and prayer to communicate the truth in love like Jesus.


Questions For Discussion:

1. In what ways am I using my words to either erode or build trust?
2. Is there someone who I need to risk to have an honest conversation with? If there is a person, begin by praying the first five days for them.
3. Who needs to hear words of healing from me? Identify who it is and begin to even ask God for a verse for them.