Love The One You’re With!

It has been 20 years since my first Valentine’s date with Sharon at the Shoestring Café in Three Hills, AB and I made her a card. You see it really isn’t that hard for me to be creative because she has scrapbooking supplies that can make any husband look good. So, after she got over the fact that I used a ton of her ‘rub ons’ she really did appreciate the card…You see I didn’t ask her just to be my Valentine yesterday, I told her to be who God has created her to be…in her card, I told her to be yourself be Sharon, be inspired, be creative, be hip, to be accessorized…

Relationships are powerful and they are wonderful. They affect us profoundly and can bring out the best and worst in us and so in turn they can bring both wonder and pain. As a pastor it doesn’t take me long to think of couples who by their example have brought great joy on each other and those who have heaped shame. God created marriage to be a covenant where He is the center. We express the meaning of oneness when we repeat vows or write them out and exchange rings during a ceremony. Making a statement is one thing, but it is quite another thing to live it out! The meaning of oneness that God desires for us is profoundly counter cultural. This morning we are going to focus on placing the highest value on relationships and where that ultimately places us!

1. Getting past myself to see YOU!

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1 John 4 v7,8

The #1 roadblock to relationship renewal is self centeredness. It predates any type of wounding in us by its very nature. Self centeredness is the main problem in marriage and we struggle when we have to defer our desires. To take myself out of the center takes the filling of the HS to break it.

In the army, they know how to break it. I will never forget watching Jordan Lazarski as he invited me to watch him as he went through his training during a coop. When you join the military, you give up your right to when you get up, when you take holidays and when the commanding officer barks an order, you follow because it is life and death, not just for you but for the whole unit.

Now I know that there are those here who have been profoundly wounded in a relationship and I’m asking you to take a step away for it this morning. The default mechanism is that we self protect and you must not let their evil define the rest of your life. Abuse aggravates self centerdness.

OK, so here is what happens early in a marriage.

1. We begin to notice how profoundly selfish our mate is
2. We also see how profoundly selfish we are.
3. Our final discovery…my selfishness is not nearly as severe as their’s!

The key to moving forward is getting beyond my self righteous thoughts, ask for the filling of the HS, bow the knee and allow God to become the center. It sounds easy enough but it goes against our natural tendencies.

2. Getting past sin to see YOU!

This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. v9,10

Over the course of a long relationship we begin to acquire an elaborate repertoire of conditional reflexes. Some things can be little idiosyncrasies like all the glasses having an exact home in the cupboard, the toilet paper having to be rolled over not under. Then there are the more noticeable ones like a nervous laugh and a twitch. Often a critical personality is developed out of a personal state of insecurity. We often criticize in others what we don’t really like about ourselves.

When we sin, guilt is a holy and healthy reflex. It is the conviction of the HS that leads us to repentance and so we thank God for that. His Word tells us that it is His kindness that leads us to repentance. The moment we confess our sin to God we are forgiven, but the problem for most of us is we have a lot harder time learning to forgive ourselves. If we don’t allow His grace to saturate our lives we will be forever fixated on our past so that we are unable to receive the anticipated opportunities He has in store for us.

I want to say this as well that nothing does more to recondition your spiritual reflexes like prayer. When we begin to pray for that person in our life, like our spouse or a difficult person at work, it will change the way you feel about them!

Here’s a challenge. If you want to really impact someone’s life, love them when they least expect it or deserve it. Now, you’re thinking to yourself…what, reward bad behavior?? No, but think about this, in that moment you will have the opportunity to impact their life forever. Don’t we always need the grace of God? Absolutely.

At the same time too, I want to state the importance of using discernment and there are times when yes, discipline will be better than letting someone off the hook. However remember this, as one writer states, God is at his best when we were at our worst. “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8


Getting Past Each Other To See God

No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us 1 John 4v11

The strength of a relationship begins with the filling of the HS, to learn to bow the knee and let God become the center.

The foundation for a great marriage is the understanding that we have entered into a covenant with God and with each other as we see in Genesis 2:24. A covenant creates oneness and wholeness before God. The Hebrew word for covenant is a ketubah. This is not a contract, this is not about if you love me, I will love you. This is about drawing on the love He has for both of YOU!!

An authentic Jewish wedding takes place outdoors under a canopy called a chupah it stands for the hands of God. I had the opportunity to officiate the wedding a few years ago for my niece Amy and her husband Adam. It was there during an outdoor wedding on the beach in Kincardine that I drew on the rich symbolism of a covenant relationship that is found in the Jewish wedding ceremony. In a Jewish wedding, the wedding takes place under a Hoopa ‘Chupah’ a canopy outside which symbolizes openness on all sides just as Jewish tradition tells that Abraham and Sarah had their tent open on all sides to welcome friends and family in unconditional hospitality.

There is also a beautiful seven fold Hebrew blessing that is pronounced on the couple:

You are blessed, Lord our God, the sovereign of the world, who created everything for his glory.
You are blessed, Lord our God, the sovereign of the world, the creator of man.
You are blessed, Lord our God, the sovereign of the world, who created us in His image, in the pattern of His own likeness
Let the barren city be jubilantly happy and joyful at her joyous reunion with her children. You are blessed, Lord, who makes Zion rejoice with her children.
Let the loving couple be very happy, just as You made Your creation happy in the garden of Eden, so long ago. You are blessed, Lord, who makes the bridegroom and the bride happy.
You are blessed, Lord our God, the sovereign of the world, who created joy and celebration, bridegroom and bride, rejoicing, jubilation, pleasure and delight, love and brotherhood, peace and friendship. May there soon be heard, Lord our G-d, in the cities and in the streets the sound of joy and the sound of celebration, the voice of a bridegroom and the voice of a bride, their feasts of song. You are blessed, Lord, who makes the bridegroom and the bride rejoice together.
You are blessed, Lord our God, the sovereign of the world, creator of the fruit of the vine


In the ceremony the Kallah, bride circles his Chatan, the groom 7 times The biblical number 7 represents perfection and the perfect love of God that surrounds the couple. As the bride circles her groom 7 times, the couple understands who builds the walls of their home and together with God, this is a symbol of completion and wholeness, something that you would never be able to achieve alone.

I think we too easily forget the importance of God at the center of the relationship. Sure, we may give it lip service, but it is quite another thing to constantly bow the knee in sacrificial love to each other.

The husband also does something symbolic as well. To symbolize his role as a provider of stability, leadership and integrity, he will take off his jacket and place it around his bride during the celebration afterwards. It is his responsibility to lead by example in the home.

It is also a symbolic representation of the sacrificial love that Christ has for the church.

We build on a promise, on a vow in front of a community and as we rest it on God, we build a rock solid foundation.

The Takeaway

The power and strength of love is bowing the knee to the Lordship of Christ in all relationships.

Life is defined by memories and I don’t want to ruin anyone by my pride. One of my most vivid memories is seeing my dad as I walked past their room praying by his bedside. I don’t want my wife or my children to see me as proud, but a man of humility.

Are you willing to be vulnerable?

C.S. Lewis wrote.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and you heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one…wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entaglements; lock it up safe in the casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.


Questions For Discussion.

1. What are sinful, selfish tendencies that easily rise up in you?

2. What self protective layers do you need to strip away?

3. How is God’s love made complete in us?

4. What does bowing the knee look like in your relationship?